Get a Clue

Yesterday was one of THOOOOOOSE days. The kind of "lump in your throat that wont go down, dont touch me or I will burst into tears" days. I attempted to blog this hilariously funny post but just could not finish it.

This morning I processed yesterday. I am not sure that is that way you are suppose to run your life but that is what happened. I have not felt well. Seems my body is tempted to succumb to the viruses that are floating around. Don't dismay, I'm still in the fight! When I feel physically weak my emotions follow. Yesterday I missed Carl. What I wanted to do is feel his arms around me , comforting me. I guess in a weird way I felt like he could make it better. Instead I went on line to re-read the article about his death. WHY??????? I cried.....hard. In the midst of this seemingly emotionally destructive activity, I found an article/letter written by my son about Carl. I cant tell you how much seeing Josh's words (written days after his death) touched my heart. I posted a response and this morning in my email was the most thought provoking email from the blogger himself. Honestly, it wasn't even that his words were magical or so full of wisdom. (Sorry RC) The mere fact he responded TO ME was magical. He could have posted my response and called it a night but he chose to take the time to type out a little message to touch a stranger. Some of his insight I liked and some not so much. Nevertheless.....the email was thought provoking. The one statement that I remember the loudest...."dead ends are nothing more than a reason to try a new road." I agree. Seriously, is there another choice? I often hear people comment to me that I am "doing it." I know they mean I am moving on...moving forward....adjusting. I am not so sure I cannot accept that as a compliment. What else am I suppose to do? I can remember after his death I would be angry (secretly) at people. Random people. When I went to Publix as saw people smiling, I would wonder how they could.....why? What in this life is so wonderful you can walk around with those silly smirks on your faces. At WalMart when I would see frustration from people waiting in line....I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs, "Is your life so important that you cant be patient and wait 5 extra minutes??? At least you have a life....mine is gone!" People would stroll through the mall debating which dress to buy, what color shoes, where to eat and I was deciding whether or not I wanted to take another breath and if I could even breathe. (Don't freak, I was not/am not suicidal.....the very thought of pain hurts me and self inducing pain is not an option!) I was furious that the world seemed to still be turning when it seemed mine had stopped!!! Now I realize my life didn't stop. It was paused. God was redirecting me for the path He has for me. In the words of a GPS...."recalculating".

Sometimes I think it is good almost therapeutic for us to look back. There seems to be so much emphasis on looking forward and I get that. However, sometimes if we GLANCE back we can see how far we have come. We see what God has brought us through and that can encourage us to have victory over what He is bringing us to. I would say the key word is glance. Not to stay. Not to linger. Just a quick visit. Its kinda like when you watch a really good movie and the end blows you away. Its nothing like you expected and you wonder did you miss something that would have clued you as to what the ending would be like. This past weekend I watched a movie that was like that. I now want to view it again and look for hidden clues. Maybe that is why I had my "look back day" yesterday. There were no "clues" as to that event but I can see how God prepared my for the event of Carl's death. That, for me, is reassuring that He is also and has equipped me for my future.

I do miss Carl and my life with him. I miss taking care of him, nurturing him, being his wife. But I also know if I stay in that place mentally I miss the todays. I will miss what God is speaking to me now. So today.... I will live in the moments of today.