Allan and Christy (and the three little "J"s) do my heart good. There are not many friends that can see you at your best and see you at your worse (like first thing in the morning or crying so hard snot pours from your nose!) and still love you as this family does. I know the fact that I don't wake up as beautiful as I am is hard to believe!! Anyway.....to come up on this mountain top, which was covered with snow, and feel the love of from this family is AMAZING. They, as well as their siblings and parents, have truly become my God given family over the past 23 years. We have celebrated births, weddings, new homes, argued, laughed , cried, prayed, had hurt feelings and even mourned loved ones and yet God's love saturates the fellowship when united. Because of the peace the flows through them, this place has become almost a refuge......a place of renewal for me.
This past weekend I spent alot of time reflecting, praying and crying. Friday was the two year mark of Carl's death. Its hard to believe he has been gone for 2 years. 2 years!!!! A friend of mine said she drove by the place of his accident and smiled because I wasn't there...pacing and praying. I have to admit I was tempted. In the beginning I did, every week for 7 months. I would walk the site looking for pieces of his belongings, the motorcycle, my heart, my life. Sounds pitiful but I did. It was only 7 months after that day, to the day, God said stop. He probably said stop before then but my ears were deaf to His voice. On that 7 month ritual of returning to that place God spoke through a friend (guess He was tired of me not listening directly!) and said not to return. That day was the last day I went to that spot.
Seemingly akward, my heart hurts for the young woman who was driving the car that morning. I debated wether or not to call her last Friday. I opted no and prayed for her throughout the day. I pray that though she caused the accident, she would feel and accept Gods peace. I am blessed that though the past two years have been incredibly painful God Himself and God working through friends I have been able to make it. The young woman driving the car does not know God nor have the support of friends I do. I know this b/c I have spoken within her in the last couple of months.
Carl's life ended so quickly. A friend of mine and I were discussing which is worse....expecting a loved ones death (as in cancer etc) or losing them unexpectedly. After weighing pros and cons( if we can label the facts), we decided one is not worse than the other. The loss of a loved one is that....a loss. I am blessed in so many ways...one being that although he was killed unexpectedly I said (unknowingly) my final goodbyes that morning. He knew how much he meant to me and how much I (we) loved him before he left the house. The morning's devotion and heartfelt conversation that we shared was truly a gift from God. God knew I would need those words and would draw strength from them. Carl left the house, for a date to meet his Creator, knowing how much he was loved on earth. Even now that makes me smile through the tears.
I have had to re-learn and learn so many aspects of me and my life. I am still learning. I always believed that there was only one soul mate for me, only one true love. Kinda like the Hallmark cards and Lifetime movies (known in my house as "chooch tv) portray. Now, I am not so sure. I stood before a judge (in a court room and no it was not Judge Judy!) and God and swore to only love him. God, Carl and I made a covenant. I was talking with a pastor about how hard it is because my husband was ripped and torn from my life. Our covenant was taken from me. He replied those were harsh/negative words. He suggested that my covenant was "satisfied". Satisfied. You know what...that it was. :)
I do know I will never love another like I loved Carl Thomas Davis. I can never experience life that way I experienced with him nor do I want to. I cannot and will not share those thoughts, dreams and experiences with anyone else. That era of my life is sacred, if you will. No man may ever travel that road created for Carl and I and for that I am thankful. I am learning that maybe just maybe I can love again in a different way and degree. There are aspects of life I have not experienced yet but I will. It will be wonderfully different. Am I scared???? You bet. Just as scared as the day I told Carl I'd give marriage a "try", knowing in my heart it was for life. But I do trust and continue to learn to trust God's plan.
Ive learned alot of my trust was in Carl....before you judge.....its easy to "trust" God when you have a good life. I learned, painfully, that maybe just maybe I didn't trust God as much as I thought I did. See, Carl was really the first man on earth I did trust. I didn't have a daddy as a child. I grew up, predominately, in a man hater/distrust atmosphere. Men, in my view, took advantage of women, would abandon you, were abusive, self righteous and only cared for themselves. Through Carl I learned that was not true. I dated before Carl but no one like him. Disclaimer: I know that Carl was not perfect...just close. :) Carl was my provider, my nurturer, my protector, an awesome father and my best friend. I now know he was all that to me THROUGH AND BECAUSE OF GOD, working through him. Carl loved God and although not always displayed in mans eyes, he lived his life for God.
I always knew my roles in life were Carl's wife and mother of his children. After Carl died I felt my world and my purpose ended, seriously. If not for my children, I didn't want to go on...didn't think I could. By not wanting to let Carl go and facing the reality he was gone, I was telling God His timing was wrong. Really???? Who am I to question Him??? By questioning His timing of Carl's death, I also questioned His plan for my future. I was basically saying I didn't trust Him. Period. When I read that statement in a book my heart dropped and my spirit grieved. How could I not trust the very One that gave His life for me and carried my through all these years???? How could I not trust the very One that placed Carl and I together???? Like I said I am re-learning so many things.
I have learned I am not in control. I cannot make nor prevent events from taking place. As I observe my children grieve and hurt deeply for their father, I recall the lessons we teach them when they are little to protect them. Simple lessons like don't touch the hot stove, don't run you may fall etc etc to complex ones like wear your seat belt, drive safely etc etc. This lesson is one I could not in any way prepare them for. As a mother I don't know there is anything more painful than watching your children grieve for the very man that was their super hero. I am learning I cannot fix this. There is not a band aid big enough nor an antibiotic strong enough for this. God has this one. I pray for God to surround them, comfort them, guide them and heal them. I can be here when they need to talk, be held, cry, comfort and even vent their anger and hurt out on but I cannot do what only God can.
I am learning that the sense of humor God has blessed me with is not only for those around me but for myself. I have always been told I can make anyone smile and laugh. I recently reconnected with a friend of mine from high school who I haven't communicated with in 32 years. His best memory of me??? The fact I always made everyone laugh! It was not how hot I was....but the fact I made people smile . I am sure and I know for a fact that my humor during this chapter have caused some to question my gift. Hey, don't question what God has placed in me, its not your place. I love that I can laugh. I love I am learning to laugh again. Yesh, in this world of seriousness someone needs to lighten the mood....that would be me! :)
I am learning to treasure and remember the wonderful parts of my life as his wife. I am also learning not to live my life today in past tense. I can remember and recall those times but I cannot relive nor stay in that chapter. Doing so stops and prevents me from fulfilling Gods plans for my future.
I have always loved snow. Being military I lived in Germany, Canada and Japan. I can remember many snow forts created and decorated by me. I remember the snowmen being built. Given my preference I would live on a snowy mountain any day! Those snow forts and snowmen didn't just happen. They took time and were molded by many flakes. My life has been like a snowball. It started as a flake (pun intended!) and as it travels through the path placed in front of it, the growth is inevitable. Unstoppable. It is not even aware of the growth it accumulates nor the strength and power obtained. That snowball would be me. As I travel the blizzard path the Master has laid before me I grow and obtain a strength never believed possible. This transformation would not occur if I were to remain what I was in the beginning. I would have not power nor the strength to continue. I could not be molded into what God wants me to be if I stopped moving forward. See a snowball cannot travel back up the hill it has come from. It only grow by moving forward. Just when I think I have become what I need, more snow falls and hills appear causing my travels to continue. The growth and strength to manifest beyond my limits. I am glad God is the snow maker and He has chosen me to travel the blizzards of life with and because of Him.
Wow, that all sounds so corny. Maybe the snow has caused my brain to freeze a little......
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