In the Moment

Right now, this moment my heart aches. I feel like I am in a time warp, trapped between what was, what was suppose to be and what is.



What was is my life with him. Being his wife. Him being my husband. Being his best friend and him being mine. What was my children had their father. What was, my secure life. Knowing I was loved.



What was suppose to be: The dreams. The cruise to Alaska. The becoming reacquainted with each other after 20 years with children. We were suppose to be standing next to each other (one day)at our children's wedding. He was suppose to walk my daughter down the aisle. The birth of OUR grandchildren will be experienced by only me.. There will be no "us" planning for big family gathering at Christmas. I will sit on the porch in a rocking chair without him . The sharing of our lifelong memories as husband and wife will only be in my mind. We will not simply grow old together. We worked hard to have all of those moments. We fought hell for those moments.



What is: I'm a widow. I hate that term, btw. What is, someone out of carelessness, took my family's life as we knew it away. What is, I'm alone. I go to bed alone, I wake up alone. When something good or bad happens I have no him to call. When I panic there is no him to rub the worry lines away from my forehead. What is, there is no one to call me Caroly. When I go on a long trip, there is no Carl to call letting him know I arrived safely. I'm having to learn things I never wanted to learn. Learning things like how to check air pressure in the tires, fix the garage opener, repair a leaky faucet and the many other homeowners task. What is is that my life and my children's lives will never be the same. I lost me when he died and I m learning who I am. I have also learned that life really isn't fair and there really is no comfort that makes this easy. What is- is that this pain is indescribable and seems to be never ending.

What is - is also my relationship with Jesus is growing. What is is that Jesus presence has not and never will leave me. What is- is with Him I know its all gonna be alright. What is -is that I need to embrace the future not hold onto what was. What is-is that I am loved with a love no man can take away. In this moment, right now, through the aching of my heart, I can feel how blessed I really am.