Happily ever after?

May 31, 1983 my life changed, Carl and I got married. We met Valentines weekend and married 3 1/2 months later. It was a quick desicion and we had 3 days to do all that needed to be done. We were both in the Marine Corps and home on leave (or vacation for civillains!). Those three days were a whirlwind. We drove to the court house that afternoon, walked into the judges chambers, said I do and that was that. I just realized we were married after 3 months, in 1983, 3days of planning, on the 3rd day of the week and in front of 3 witnesses. Weird.

I never questioned if it was forever....I knew it was. I always believed love was forever. I still do. My situation may have changed but the love in my heart has not. And I believed one soul mate for life. I guess the conflict in my heart is can I really love again? Do I want to love again? Yes, I know I do. I dont know how not to love people. Its a part of me and who God created me to be. I remember when the police came to the door that morning I just kept repeating, "I dont know how not to be his wife, not to be his." I know that God created Carl and I for each other. I know God created me to be a wife and a mother. He created me to be Carls wife and Josh and Haylee's mother. I know God created me to love.

I guess I dont know what to expect this time. I am sure subconsciously my mind will wonder back and even compare the new with the old. Thats really unfair. Its kinda like when you go on a roller coaster. You remember the turns, the hills, the motions, the feelings......so when you get on the next roller coaster you wait with anticipation for those same highs and lows. Although the appearance and the concept of the new rollar coaster is extrememly different than the first in comparison, you expect the same feelings. As you climb in and buckle up for the ride your heart begins beating faster with anticipation. Then you feel the inital jerk as the ride begins. With every turn and twist you process the feelings. The wind blows through your hair. The feeling of weightlessness and you plument down the twisty hill. The anticipation as the coaster begins the clakety clack up the next hill..... the jerk to the right and then to the left. After the ride stops the discussion begins. The comparison begins. The evaluation commences. Is it the same? Does the sensations felt compare to the other coaster? Were the turns equally noteworthy? Was it as thrilling? You may even wish you could interchange the coasters...place this turn on that one...this ascension and downward descion with the other. Hopefully all in all you enjoy both experiences differently but each as enjoyable as the other.

I have looked over the scriptures regarding this "forever love " concept. I cannot find a place in the Word where it states a forever love between a husband and a wife. The only forever love I found in the Word is Gods! And praise Him for that! I do believe marriage is forever and I will not debate nor argue regarding divorce issues. I ado know that God put a love for Carl so deep within me that no man could/nor did pull us apart. Carl has been gone for 2 years 5 months and 16 days and my love for him has not decreased. The love has changed because it has had to.

Would I/do I feel guilty loving someone else? Yes! I have had to soul search and process all types of feelings. Carl and I discussed on several occasions (dont most husbands and wives?) the scenario of something happening to one of us. We both said we wanted the other to remarry. Maybe , in a complex way, those discussions were giving each other permission to love again. He would tell me I was too good of a wife not to be one! Best compliment ever! I was talking to someone about loving someone else a few weeks back....they asked who would it hurt if I did love another? My reply, my children. It would devastate me if my children ever thought I could replace their father or stopped loving him because I loved someone else. That place in my life and forever in my heart will never be replaced with anyone else. Its a love that cannot be "re"captured. My children are an expression of the love Carl and I had. God created the love Carl and I shared and used that love and through His love for us created our children as gifts. This person said maybe the reason I could/do love someone else is the fact that Carl and I shared a beautiful love. I liked that thought.

So "happily ever after" is a phrase the fairy tales utilize in love stories. For me, right now, in this very moment, it is a way through Gods help I will live my new life. And what if I fall/have fallen in love again???? How blessed would I be if I was able to experience the gift of true love twice in my lifetime???