In the Moment

Right now, this moment my heart aches. I feel like I am in a time warp, trapped between what was, what was suppose to be and what is.



What was is my life with him. Being his wife. Him being my husband. Being his best friend and him being mine. What was my children had their father. What was, my secure life. Knowing I was loved.



What was suppose to be: The dreams. The cruise to Alaska. The becoming reacquainted with each other after 20 years with children. We were suppose to be standing next to each other (one day)at our children's wedding. He was suppose to walk my daughter down the aisle. The birth of OUR grandchildren will be experienced by only me.. There will be no "us" planning for big family gathering at Christmas. I will sit on the porch in a rocking chair without him . The sharing of our lifelong memories as husband and wife will only be in my mind. We will not simply grow old together. We worked hard to have all of those moments. We fought hell for those moments.



What is: I'm a widow. I hate that term, btw. What is, someone out of carelessness, took my family's life as we knew it away. What is, I'm alone. I go to bed alone, I wake up alone. When something good or bad happens I have no him to call. When I panic there is no him to rub the worry lines away from my forehead. What is, there is no one to call me Caroly. When I go on a long trip, there is no Carl to call letting him know I arrived safely. I'm having to learn things I never wanted to learn. Learning things like how to check air pressure in the tires, fix the garage opener, repair a leaky faucet and the many other homeowners task. What is is that my life and my children's lives will never be the same. I lost me when he died and I m learning who I am. I have also learned that life really isn't fair and there really is no comfort that makes this easy. What is- is that this pain is indescribable and seems to be never ending.

What is - is also my relationship with Jesus is growing. What is is that Jesus presence has not and never will leave me. What is- is with Him I know its all gonna be alright. What is -is that I need to embrace the future not hold onto what was. What is-is that I am loved with a love no man can take away. In this moment, right now, through the aching of my heart, I can feel how blessed I really am.

Happily ever after?

May 31, 1983 my life changed, Carl and I got married. We met Valentines weekend and married 3 1/2 months later. It was a quick desicion and we had 3 days to do all that needed to be done. We were both in the Marine Corps and home on leave (or vacation for civillains!). Those three days were a whirlwind. We drove to the court house that afternoon, walked into the judges chambers, said I do and that was that. I just realized we were married after 3 months, in 1983, 3days of planning, on the 3rd day of the week and in front of 3 witnesses. Weird.

I never questioned if it was forever....I knew it was. I always believed love was forever. I still do. My situation may have changed but the love in my heart has not. And I believed one soul mate for life. I guess the conflict in my heart is can I really love again? Do I want to love again? Yes, I know I do. I dont know how not to love people. Its a part of me and who God created me to be. I remember when the police came to the door that morning I just kept repeating, "I dont know how not to be his wife, not to be his." I know that God created Carl and I for each other. I know God created me to be a wife and a mother. He created me to be Carls wife and Josh and Haylee's mother. I know God created me to love.

I guess I dont know what to expect this time. I am sure subconsciously my mind will wonder back and even compare the new with the old. Thats really unfair. Its kinda like when you go on a roller coaster. You remember the turns, the hills, the motions, the feelings......so when you get on the next roller coaster you wait with anticipation for those same highs and lows. Although the appearance and the concept of the new rollar coaster is extrememly different than the first in comparison, you expect the same feelings. As you climb in and buckle up for the ride your heart begins beating faster with anticipation. Then you feel the inital jerk as the ride begins. With every turn and twist you process the feelings. The wind blows through your hair. The feeling of weightlessness and you plument down the twisty hill. The anticipation as the coaster begins the clakety clack up the next hill..... the jerk to the right and then to the left. After the ride stops the discussion begins. The comparison begins. The evaluation commences. Is it the same? Does the sensations felt compare to the other coaster? Were the turns equally noteworthy? Was it as thrilling? You may even wish you could interchange the coasters...place this turn on that one...this ascension and downward descion with the other. Hopefully all in all you enjoy both experiences differently but each as enjoyable as the other.

I have looked over the scriptures regarding this "forever love " concept. I cannot find a place in the Word where it states a forever love between a husband and a wife. The only forever love I found in the Word is Gods! And praise Him for that! I do believe marriage is forever and I will not debate nor argue regarding divorce issues. I ado know that God put a love for Carl so deep within me that no man could/nor did pull us apart. Carl has been gone for 2 years 5 months and 16 days and my love for him has not decreased. The love has changed because it has had to.

Would I/do I feel guilty loving someone else? Yes! I have had to soul search and process all types of feelings. Carl and I discussed on several occasions (dont most husbands and wives?) the scenario of something happening to one of us. We both said we wanted the other to remarry. Maybe , in a complex way, those discussions were giving each other permission to love again. He would tell me I was too good of a wife not to be one! Best compliment ever! I was talking to someone about loving someone else a few weeks back....they asked who would it hurt if I did love another? My reply, my children. It would devastate me if my children ever thought I could replace their father or stopped loving him because I loved someone else. That place in my life and forever in my heart will never be replaced with anyone else. Its a love that cannot be "re"captured. My children are an expression of the love Carl and I had. God created the love Carl and I shared and used that love and through His love for us created our children as gifts. This person said maybe the reason I could/do love someone else is the fact that Carl and I shared a beautiful love. I liked that thought.

So "happily ever after" is a phrase the fairy tales utilize in love stories. For me, right now, in this very moment, it is a way through Gods help I will live my new life. And what if I fall/have fallen in love again???? How blessed would I be if I was able to experience the gift of true love twice in my lifetime???

what is the date...who to date...how to date....Im outdated regarding dating.

I like you.

Do you like me?

circle yes or no

Ahhhhh the simple days. And I can remember thinking those times were confusing. When Carl and I began dating we went on dates. There was no process....no facebook...no texting....no internet....no "rules" per say...no open relationship....no friends with benefits....no medical testing....no backgrounds/records check. He sent a note and I circled yes. We dated and then we married.

My how times and people have changed. I don't like it. At 47 (and clinging on) I am learning the world of this social happening. I must admit I did met Todd through an internet dating website. That thought sounds hideous. Years ago I would have never accepted applicationsfor dating purposes. I was not desperate for companionship. Heres my reasoning for utilizing this modern approach to dating.....

1. I wanted a God lover and FOLLOWER. Subject closed.

2. I am snobbish/picky....I prefer the term seriously selective.

3.I didn't not want to date anyone incredibly ugly. Now, granted at times the pictures looked better than real life! I am just thankful I found a good picture of Pamela Anderson to use as my profile picture!

4.I did not need anyone to be responsible for me financially and I certainly did not want to raise anyone financially whom I did not give birth to. I did not want a sugga daddy and I am not a sugga momma.....though one person, who shall remain anonymous, thought I would be. Hey, I learned to do record/background check. Oh and I preferred individuals who completed education from daycare, elementary, high school and college.

5. I do work...at home. However mine is a family oriented business. The men I converse with professionally come complete with beautiful wives and children.


6. The club scene....I tried that and had to carry a club. Not that I am that gorgeous but after a few drinks, the girls do get prettier at closing time and the men get more obnoxious. The words "No thank you" seems to have meant "keep stalking and I will change my mind".


The internet social site saved me 2 hours of awkwardness and sometimes very boring conversation or silence depending on the date. It also saved me the 50 bucks for dinner/interview only to realize it was wasted. And it also saved the guys, feeling the entitlement of a kiss because they paid for dinner, the sting from rejection of said entitlement.

Okay...it may have been a little ego enhancer to log on and see the 100000000000000 applicants that "liked" me. I believe the term was "winked" which in retrospect grosses me out. Ego enhancers at 47 and new at this thing were nice. Nice UNTIL you click view the prospects photo. Seriously?????? I am country and we all know I love overalls but a man in overalls complete with dirt (or at least I hope it was!) on his clothes is disgusting. And maybe I forgot to mention please have all your teeth, no uni-brow, clean fingernails and refrain from pictures which include your Penthouse calendar in the background.

Fast forward 5 dates and one nightmare of a relationship.......I met a nice man. Actually met him a year ago.

Anyway. The other day I was talking with a couple of high school kids about dating. They were giving me the low down on the process of dating. The steps, stages, phases if you will....

Seeing someone: From what I understand you begin by "seeing" someone. I guess you look at them and decide (mutually) that each other is worthy of "seeing" each other. Ok, that totally makes sense.....but what if you are blind? Do you never get to move forward to the "dating' phase? And what do you do when you "see" them?

Dating phase: after "seeing" someone you decide to date them. Now, if the dating stage is when you date them, what do you do during the seeing stage? Just stand/sit there and look at them? And from what I understand dating is when you decide to only date that one person. Can you "see" ( just stare at) others but not date them??? And I thought the term date means to make old. Oh wait...if you date the wrong person they can definitely age you......see above reference to anonymous loser.

In a relationship phase: After you see and date you reach the "in a relationship" stage. Now I must say that thank you to facebook, because of their info section, I was aware of this stage. PHEW! Unfortunately, no really fortunately in this case, I also knew when I was out of a relationship thanks to facebook. Yea, no call, no meeting, just a "single" where "in a relationship" use to be. Again, note anonymous loser reference. From what I understand with the information gathered from these 15 year olds....this is a serious stage. You text each other constantly and go out on dates regularly. Life pretty much revolves around each other. It goes beyond the carrying of your books at school. You and him and him and you. That's the total existence of the world.

After this serious in depth conversation I walked away feeling overwhelmed. How would I remember all of this? And they didn't mention the time frame of each phase. What if I jumped to the next phase too soon? Too late? They also did not mention what if you each have children? How does that work? Since we both have cars who drives? And since we are "old" we have learned there is more in the world than just each other....how do we work all that in? These are just a few of the mental dilemmas the race through my mind. Honestly, after thinking and processing all of this I am often too tired to go out and see someone, date someone, let lone be in a relationship.

I like the old way better.....

I like you.

Do you like me?

Circle yes or no.

He circled yes. Right now I am happy with that.