Get a Clue

Yesterday was one of THOOOOOOSE days. The kind of "lump in your throat that wont go down, dont touch me or I will burst into tears" days. I attempted to blog this hilariously funny post but just could not finish it.

This morning I processed yesterday. I am not sure that is that way you are suppose to run your life but that is what happened. I have not felt well. Seems my body is tempted to succumb to the viruses that are floating around. Don't dismay, I'm still in the fight! When I feel physically weak my emotions follow. Yesterday I missed Carl. What I wanted to do is feel his arms around me , comforting me. I guess in a weird way I felt like he could make it better. Instead I went on line to re-read the article about his death. WHY??????? I cried.....hard. In the midst of this seemingly emotionally destructive activity, I found an article/letter written by my son about Carl. I cant tell you how much seeing Josh's words (written days after his death) touched my heart. I posted a response and this morning in my email was the most thought provoking email from the blogger himself. Honestly, it wasn't even that his words were magical or so full of wisdom. (Sorry RC) The mere fact he responded TO ME was magical. He could have posted my response and called it a night but he chose to take the time to type out a little message to touch a stranger. Some of his insight I liked and some not so much. Nevertheless.....the email was thought provoking. The one statement that I remember the loudest...."dead ends are nothing more than a reason to try a new road." I agree. Seriously, is there another choice? I often hear people comment to me that I am "doing it." I know they mean I am moving on...moving forward....adjusting. I am not so sure I cannot accept that as a compliment. What else am I suppose to do? I can remember after his death I would be angry (secretly) at people. Random people. When I went to Publix as saw people smiling, I would wonder how they could.....why? What in this life is so wonderful you can walk around with those silly smirks on your faces. At WalMart when I would see frustration from people waiting in line....I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs, "Is your life so important that you cant be patient and wait 5 extra minutes??? At least you have a life....mine is gone!" People would stroll through the mall debating which dress to buy, what color shoes, where to eat and I was deciding whether or not I wanted to take another breath and if I could even breathe. (Don't freak, I was not/am not suicidal.....the very thought of pain hurts me and self inducing pain is not an option!) I was furious that the world seemed to still be turning when it seemed mine had stopped!!! Now I realize my life didn't stop. It was paused. God was redirecting me for the path He has for me. In the words of a GPS...."recalculating".

Sometimes I think it is good almost therapeutic for us to look back. There seems to be so much emphasis on looking forward and I get that. However, sometimes if we GLANCE back we can see how far we have come. We see what God has brought us through and that can encourage us to have victory over what He is bringing us to. I would say the key word is glance. Not to stay. Not to linger. Just a quick visit. Its kinda like when you watch a really good movie and the end blows you away. Its nothing like you expected and you wonder did you miss something that would have clued you as to what the ending would be like. This past weekend I watched a movie that was like that. I now want to view it again and look for hidden clues. Maybe that is why I had my "look back day" yesterday. There were no "clues" as to that event but I can see how God prepared my for the event of Carl's death. That, for me, is reassuring that He is also and has equipped me for my future.

I do miss Carl and my life with him. I miss taking care of him, nurturing him, being his wife. But I also know if I stay in that place mentally I miss the todays. I will miss what God is speaking to me now. So today.... I will live in the moments of today.

The Snowball Affect

This past weekend I went up to North Georgia to visit framily(friends that have become my family). I made the same trip last year during the same weekend and have decided it may just become a ritual with me. This year.....LOTS OF SNOW. I didn't play in it but I did walk up the mountain, okay maybe it was only a quarter of it, in my snow boots with the 3 inch heels!!!

Allan and Christy (and the three little "J"s) do my heart good. There are not many friends that can see you at your best and see you at your worse (like first thing in the morning or crying so hard snot pours from your nose!) and still love you as this family does. I know the fact that I don't wake up as beautiful as I am is hard to believe!! Anyway.....to come up on this mountain top, which was covered with snow, and feel the love of from this family is AMAZING. They, as well as their siblings and parents, have truly become my God given family over the past 23 years. We have celebrated births, weddings, new homes, argued, laughed , cried, prayed, had hurt feelings and even mourned loved ones and yet God's love saturates the fellowship when united. Because of the peace the flows through them, this place has become almost a refuge......a place of renewal for me.

This past weekend I spent alot of time reflecting, praying and crying. Friday was the two year mark of Carl's death. Its hard to believe he has been gone for 2 years. 2 years!!!! A friend of mine said she drove by the place of his accident and smiled because I wasn't there...pacing and praying. I have to admit I was tempted. In the beginning I did, every week for 7 months. I would walk the site looking for pieces of his belongings, the motorcycle, my heart, my life. Sounds pitiful but I did. It was only 7 months after that day, to the day, God said stop. He probably said stop before then but my ears were deaf to His voice. On that 7 month ritual of returning to that place God spoke through a friend (guess He was tired of me not listening directly!) and said not to return. That day was the last day I went to that spot.

Seemingly akward, my heart hurts for the young woman who was driving the car that morning. I debated wether or not to call her last Friday. I opted no and prayed for her throughout the day. I pray that though she caused the accident, she would feel and accept Gods peace. I am blessed that though the past two years have been incredibly painful God Himself and God working through friends I have been able to make it. The young woman driving the car does not know God nor have the support of friends I do. I know this b/c I have spoken within her in the last couple of months.

Carl's life ended so quickly. A friend of mine and I were discussing which is worse....expecting a loved ones death (as in cancer etc) or losing them unexpectedly. After weighing pros and cons( if we can label the facts), we decided one is not worse than the other. The loss of a loved one is that....a loss. I am blessed in so many ways...one being that although he was killed unexpectedly I said (unknowingly) my final goodbyes that morning. He knew how much he meant to me and how much I (we) loved him before he left the house. The morning's devotion and heartfelt conversation that we shared was truly a gift from God. God knew I would need those words and would draw strength from them. Carl left the house, for a date to meet his Creator, knowing how much he was loved on earth. Even now that makes me smile through the tears.

I have had to re-learn and learn so many aspects of me and my life. I am still learning. I always believed that there was only one soul mate for me, only one true love. Kinda like the Hallmark cards and Lifetime movies (known in my house as "chooch tv) portray. Now, I am not so sure. I stood before a judge (in a court room and no it was not Judge Judy!) and God and swore to only love him. God, Carl and I made a covenant. I was talking with a pastor about how hard it is because my husband was ripped and torn from my life. Our covenant was taken from me. He replied those were harsh/negative words. He suggested that my covenant was "satisfied". Satisfied. You know what...that it was. :)

I do know I will never love another like I loved Carl Thomas Davis. I can never experience life that way I experienced with him nor do I want to. I cannot and will not share those thoughts, dreams and experiences with anyone else. That era of my life is sacred, if you will. No man may ever travel that road created for Carl and I and for that I am thankful. I am learning that maybe just maybe I can love again in a different way and degree. There are aspects of life I have not experienced yet but I will. It will be wonderfully different. Am I scared???? You bet. Just as scared as the day I told Carl I'd give marriage a "try", knowing in my heart it was for life. But I do trust and continue to learn to trust God's plan.

Ive learned alot of my trust was in Carl....before you judge.....its easy to "trust" God when you have a good life. I learned, painfully, that maybe just maybe I didn't trust God as much as I thought I did. See, Carl was really the first man on earth I did trust. I didn't have a daddy as a child. I grew up, predominately, in a man hater/distrust atmosphere. Men, in my view, took advantage of women, would abandon you, were abusive, self righteous and only cared for themselves. Through Carl I learned that was not true. I dated before Carl but no one like him. Disclaimer: I know that Carl was not perfect...just close. :) Carl was my provider, my nurturer, my protector, an awesome father and my best friend. I now know he was all that to me THROUGH AND BECAUSE OF GOD, working through him. Carl loved God and although not always displayed in mans eyes, he lived his life for God.

I always knew my roles in life were Carl's wife and mother of his children. After Carl died I felt my world and my purpose ended, seriously. If not for my children, I didn't want to go on...didn't think I could. By not wanting to let Carl go and facing the reality he was gone, I was telling God His timing was wrong. Really???? Who am I to question Him??? By questioning His timing of Carl's death, I also questioned His plan for my future. I was basically saying I didn't trust Him. Period. When I read that statement in a book my heart dropped and my spirit grieved. How could I not trust the very One that gave His life for me and carried my through all these years???? How could I not trust the very One that placed Carl and I together???? Like I said I am re-learning so many things.

I have learned I am not in control. I cannot make nor prevent events from taking place. As I observe my children grieve and hurt deeply for their father, I recall the lessons we teach them when they are little to protect them. Simple lessons like don't touch the hot stove, don't run you may fall etc etc to complex ones like wear your seat belt, drive safely etc etc. This lesson is one I could not in any way prepare them for. As a mother I don't know there is anything more painful than watching your children grieve for the very man that was their super hero. I am learning I cannot fix this. There is not a band aid big enough nor an antibiotic strong enough for this. God has this one. I pray for God to surround them, comfort them, guide them and heal them. I can be here when they need to talk, be held, cry, comfort and even vent their anger and hurt out on but I cannot do what only God can.

I am learning that the sense of humor God has blessed me with is not only for those around me but for myself. I have always been told I can make anyone smile and laugh. I recently reconnected with a friend of mine from high school who I haven't communicated with in 32 years. His best memory of me??? The fact I always made everyone laugh! It was not how hot I was....but the fact I made people smile . I am sure and I know for a fact that my humor during this chapter have caused some to question my gift. Hey, don't question what God has placed in me, its not your place. I love that I can laugh. I love I am learning to laugh again. Yesh, in this world of seriousness someone needs to lighten the mood....that would be me! :)

I am learning to treasure and remember the wonderful parts of my life as his wife. I am also learning not to live my life today in past tense. I can remember and recall those times but I cannot relive nor stay in that chapter. Doing so stops and prevents me from fulfilling Gods plans for my future.

I have always loved snow. Being military I lived in Germany, Canada and Japan. I can remember many snow forts created and decorated by me. I remember the snowmen being built. Given my preference I would live on a snowy mountain any day! Those snow forts and snowmen didn't just happen. They took time and were molded by many flakes. My life has been like a snowball. It started as a flake (pun intended!) and as it travels through the path placed in front of it, the growth is inevitable. Unstoppable. It is not even aware of the growth it accumulates nor the strength and power obtained. That snowball would be me. As I travel the blizzard path the Master has laid before me I grow and obtain a strength never believed possible. This transformation would not occur if I were to remain what I was in the beginning. I would have not power nor the strength to continue. I could not be molded into what God wants me to be if I stopped moving forward. See a snowball cannot travel back up the hill it has come from. It only grow by moving forward. Just when I think I have become what I need, more snow falls and hills appear causing my travels to continue. The growth and strength to manifest beyond my limits. I am glad God is the snow maker and He has chosen me to travel the blizzards of life with and because of Him.

Wow, that all sounds so corny. Maybe the snow has caused my brain to freeze a little......

The beginning of us.

It's 6:15 in the morning. And it is really quiet here. Really quiet. Its so quiet i can hear myself think. As I enter into the world of blogging I wonder where to begin. Before I made the absolute decision to blog I contemplated why. I am not so full of wisdom I feel the need to pour it out on others nor am I so full of myself I believe others really are interested in my life. I began reading a few others blogs. Some made me laugh, others made me cry and an even bigger challenge, some made me think. I am actually a big thinker. I have been told by many that I think too much. All in all I realized that blogging would be a way for me to process my thoughts, empty my brain and treasure memories I may have forgotten otherwise.
Disclaimer: I am terrible at English so forgive me in advance. I have random thoughts so try and keep up. I think waaaay faster than these fingers will type so please ignore typos!
Ok, back to why blog now......my life is at a crossroads of sorts. Oh, I have been at many crossroads but most of them have been because of mine or my family's choice/choices. I have never been one to shy away or be cautious of an adventure or crossroad. I have always had a carefree spirit. I have lived life in the moment....so much in fact I have not had time or desire to journal. As I am transitioning at this crossroads I feel different. I feel cautious, less confident, less carefree and okay even a little worried. My life (up until 2 years ago) was organized chaos. Yes, we moved often. Yes, I have lived in several countries. Yes, I was in the Marine Corps. The list could go on and on. But I have come to realize all of that was controlled chaos. My life was planned, calculated and controlled by me and choices I (we) made. The crossroads I faced were ones pre-planned and I had a map. Yes there were challenges along the way, painful ones. I have had a husband that was deployed for 2 one year deployments and in between gone 9 months out of every year, I have miscarried three times, once losing Haylee's twin, in 26 years of marriage we faced and conquered many challenges, as a child.....um lets not go there yet. All that to say I consider myself a survivor of sorts.
The crossroad that I am at now feels more like a dead end at times. This road is one I did not choose, did not plan nor calculate. This uncontrollable path has taken my breath away and after almost two years still does. I don't like this path.....

I met my husband (Carl) in the Maine Corps while stationed Parris Island, South Carolina. I had only been in the Marines for 8 months when the most handsome, squared away Marine Corps drill instructor asked me to dance. This man exemplified the term Marine and I liked it and him! The date was February 11th, 1983. It was a Friday. My life would never be the same. That May I had planned to go home to see my family (in Oklahoma) and Carl asked if he could go. I remember calling my grandmother and telling her I was bring him home to meet the family. Years later she says she knew immediately we would marry. She says she could tell in my voice. The proposal occurred as we drove up through this little mountain range in Oklahoma. Here's the conversation:

Carl: (as he leaned back arrogantly in the cab of his truck looking over at me) So, do you think you could handle being a drill instructor's wife?
Me: (smiling so self assured) The question is not can I but do I want to.

Carl: (smiling nervously) Oh, well, do you?

Me: (smiling coyly) Sure, we can give it a try.


That was it. Three and a half months after we met we became husband and wife. That conversation began 26 of the most trying, hard, rewarding, amazing, wonderful years of my life. In many ways my life began at that moment.
I am closing this post with a smile on my face, tears in my eyes and a heart so thankful to God for that man and my life with him.

In the beginning God created Carol.....